Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
