They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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