In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
