Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
