i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
