I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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