Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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