I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize