i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
