Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
