There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
