I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
