Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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