I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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