you traded sex for a burrito?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
