the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
