I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
