trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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