I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
NoShamevember. You game?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
