Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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