I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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