I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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