you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Mom said you looked used
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
