...so i touched it.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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