drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
