just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
