In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
