The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
