I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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