And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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