I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
