Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize