You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
