nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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