Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
