:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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