fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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