I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
