hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
