Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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