Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
