i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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