its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
