I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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