Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
