I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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