You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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