Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
