I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
