you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize