Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
