I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
