dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
When are your genitals available?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
