I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
