So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
