i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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