Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
