everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
