Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize