I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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