I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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