I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Nicole vs. Life
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
