There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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