New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize