Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
did you just send me my own nude
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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