During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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