He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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