Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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