mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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