so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
